Part 5: Bird on Fire
Today would have been our wedding day.
Instead of my mom zipping up my dress and putting my bracelet on, I am sitting in my pajamas outside on my deck staring at a bird in my tree. This day was supposed to be so different.
Birds always remind me of this one memory I have as a 6 or 7 year old. I hear the birds right now and instantly this memory came to mind. It wasn’t tragic, extremely joyful, heart-breaking, exhilarating or simply a memory expected to remain cognitively clear. It was a moment. That’s it. A moment. I was very young and nobody was with me. I didn’t know the significance of this memory until I started writing today – typing and thinking of how I wanted to end The 2020 Bride. I tried writing this all week but I couldn’t think of how I wanted this blog to end but this morning I saw the bird and I knew what I wanted to say.
The memory –
When I was a child in my Grammie’s Blue Quill home back in the very early 2000s (yes, her name is Grammie and she OWNs it), she would tell me to go chase the birds in her big backyard. Hey, at least she didn’t tell me to go play in traffic… which is what I would’ve suggested with my regularly obnoxious behavior as a child. After my Kristen Wig “I don’t want to” whine for an hour, I stepped outside to my make-believe land. I was swinging on her porch swing as Jane in Tarzan, blowing bubbles as if I was under the sea and later running around with a small air-filled pink rubber ball about to win the FIFA World Cup. I was able to create so many tales in this backyard and I created a different tale during each visit to my Grammie’s house.
For this particular memory however, the tale I created was a sanctuary of birds, and I was the bird watcher. I know no typical 6 or 7 year old is likely to create a bird sanctuary as their make-believe tale but you create what you have to work with! Also, Grammie did suggest it, so I thought I may as well work with her idea. Her backyard was always filled with birds which made this tale feel real. The trees were filled with birds. The loud singing of the birds made this make-believe land feel like a real sanctuary. The bird bath in the middle of her yard against the winter-worn fence would always have a bird washing her beak. This was the memory that remains so clear to this day – I walked up to the bird bath, put my tiny hands on the bath and I almost touched the bird. The bird didn’t move until the very last second and flew away as if it was deciding if my little finger would damage her wings or encourage her to fly. It was as if it was surrounded by a ray of protective fire. The memory ends there.
My nickname within my family is ironically “birdie”, whether I like it or not. I asked my Grammie where the name came from and she told me it was because I was always in the backyard with the birds. When she told me this months ago, I immediately thought it was so weird considering that memory of the bird bath is so strong. Maybe that nickname had something to do with the lasting memory.
I created tales as a little girl and I was working on creating the most important tale to me this year, 20 years later. This fairy-tale wedding that I was creating in my mind and planning has taught me more about myself than each “how to” of a wedding. I learned about friendships, accepting my body, how to navigate varied emotions and lastly that the love between him and I is stronger than anything – even a pandemic. The fairy-tale wedding will happen but for now I am going to live my fairy-tale life. Dirty socks, dishes and dumb arguments included.
I think back to the bird. It didn’t let anything touch it and it wouldn’t unless it allowed. Like the bird, you choose what touches you, affects you, and moves you. Advice tip #9. You get to decide who has the privilege to know you, what you feed your body physically and emotionally and you determine your own strength. If you do let the wrong thing touch you – you had a learning experience, that’s a good thing. Don’t let that get you down. I want to keep this last part short because I just want you to remember one thing.
One last piece of advice.
If you’ve ever fallen down and lost your spark, get back up as the whole damn fire.
ADVICE TIPS:
Part 1: The 2020 Bride
Advice tip #1: Make sure you realize your beautiful new engagement ring is simply a shiny addition to your already beautiful relationship. Nothing changes or should change the moment you have something sparkly on your finger.
Advice tip #2: Anyone going through stress, get a Golden Retriever. They are beautiful and loving and if you can love and take care of it, it will love and take care of you.
Part 2: Karen
Advice tip #3: Do not tell any friend they will be in your wedding party before you are engaged. This creates a big mess of emotional anguish.
Advice tip #4: Be a Greta and stick with the Gretas in your world. Define your Greta, define your Karen.
Part 3: Cake
Advice tip #5: Beware of the salmon in Mexico – seriously. Don’t eat it during your bachelorette trip.
Advice tip #6: Whether it is weight loss, gaining weight or simply accepting your body image, please think about calling your Greta. Rely on this chosen friend and know that it is ok to admit this is an issue – because IT IS an issue for everyone in some form.
Part 4: Unforeseen
Advice tip #7: During your hard times, recognize that everyone is going through something. Don’t expect that friends and family will be there to listen and hear your venting – you need to learn your strength on your own. Runs, bike rides and ice cream help with this.
Advice tip #8: Expect nothing, accept everything.
Part 5: Bird On Fire
Advice tip #9: Like the bird, you choose what touches you, affects you, and moves you. Understand that everything that affects you is your choice.
Advice tip #10: If you’ve ever fallen down and lost your spark, get back up as the whole damn fire.
