Part 4: Unforeseen
I am behind the school at my after class track practice for hurdles. Grade 9. I was never good or even sufficient at any other track events but guys, I was darn good at hurdles. I rarely knocked one down.
I look ahead. I see the hurdles.
I am staring at them in my “ready, set” position and I am ready to bolt, barely aware of the students lined up next to me staring at their own hurdles in front of them. I have measured how far apart they are from each other and I know exactly how many steps I need to take in between them to make the perfect jump. I have practiced the shapes of my legs, every precise angle of my knees, how much strength is needed in my arms. I am eager for the horn while I am shifting nervously between the balls of my feet. Forward, back, forward, back.
The horn blows. I run.
I approach the first hurdle, yes, made it. Here is the second, I’ve got this. Now the third, I’m soaring. The fourth. No. I didn’t plan correctly for it. I took too many steps and my knees didn’t remember the correct angle. My foot hooks the hurdle. We fall as one and I am wounded. I look up from my knees, very aware they are cut and will be bruised but I take notice to the girl in the next lane. She didn’t plan correctly, she fell, but she got up, brushed herself off and kept running. I see her reach the finish line.
I am a planner. I know what I am doing today, tomorrow and 6 months from now. If you asked me what I would be doing a year from today, I could probably predict that for you as well. I was a planner as a 5, 10 and 15 year old and nothing has changed today in my mid 20s. I have always planned for the hurdles. I have mastered many of them – a High School diploma, a University degree, the launch of my own business… but in 2020 I reached the fourth hurdle. The one that made me fall.
On March 11th, 2020 I was sitting at my parents’ house with my fiancé and our officiant. I am happy while eating my pickles and cheese and joking about what the officiant will say while we are staring at each other under the perfectly shaped hexagon arch I was so excited about. I was later sitting in the same spot preparing my next Instagram post for the 2 month countdown while everyone was chatting. That was the last moment that I remember being excited about 2020. Ok that’s a little dramatic and sad… ok… it was the last moment I remember before the unforeseen happened. I truly believe that nobody really understood the depth of COVID-19 until it affected them personally and at some point it did for every single person living and breathing. This was the moment I knew it was about to affect me personally.
I am sitting there with my phone and my dad turned up the news. COVID-19. They just announced that the NBA and NHL had suspended their seasons. Hockey has always been significant in my family as we attended hosted parties or pub nights for almost every game and it was the first real change from COVID that affected us so of course now it felt real. The COVID hurdle for me alone was in the distance but it was there. I wasn’t sure how to navigate it or if I would make it over and the closer I got to it, the more nervous I felt. I closed my business as did many others, I now felt one thing stripped from me but I knew I could re-open in time. I had time to work on the things I hadn’t polished yet – the contracts, the website, the new studio. I was sad about my business closing temporarily but I wasn’t on the floor in tears about it. This hurdle however was the one that was two months away and would make me fall, our wedding vs a pandemic. Needless to say, I fell down – bruised, scraped and bleeding. A wedding to some isn’t that important, and I completely understand that perspective on it. To me however, I dreamed of my wedding. I dreamed of the dress, the guy and the family coming together as one. I love celebrating love so of course this felt crushing.
COVID seemed to be as powerful as Thanos by late March and was about to rip through my dream world with speed, invulnerability and stamina. Our wedding was moved to October 2020 first. The first postponement I was fine with. It’s ok, I told myself. It is still happening this year, it gives me a few extra months to go for more runs, mentally prepare and maybe get rid of some love handles. You must see the positives, right?! Changes unfortunately happened rapidly which ultimately led to the second postponement. Maximum group capacities decreased from unlimited to 50 to 15, restaurants, gyms and malls closed, and masks became part of our daily wardrobe as you know. We all got to know our significant other to a shocking extent. I didn’t realize how much coffee mine drinks in a day – it is dangerous you guys – imagine the coffee scene from George of the Jungle. Seriously. Then of course, Tik Tok became a regular hobby, whether you were participating or watching. I have tried to master those hip thrusts to “that one sound that makes you smile” for so long. Crystal-Jade – thanks for keeping me busy.
No events. No gatherings. No weddings. I understood the reasoning for this as I too want to ensure everyone’s safety and preserve all health so I couldn’t be mad at the decision made. I simply just felt sad.
When I am sad or angry or feeling the feels, I tend to talk. A lot. I talk to everyone close to me personally that will listen, if I am being honest. I was mad that I had to call all of my vendors for a third time, I was mad that my dream wasn’t happening and I wanted to talk about it. I learned a big lesson this time. People have their own hurdles, especially during the time of a pandemic. I expected that my friends and family would be there to listen and let me vent however I had to learn that these same people are dealing with their own pain and sorrow during this time so I had to learn my strength alone. Runs, bike rides and ice cream help with this. Advice Tip #7. You are probably thinking… “umm Brit, you have your fiance to talk to”… yes I do however making me happy is not his responsibility, it is mine. I called the vendors, I accepted the frustration and I planned the same wedding for a third time. Then I listened to trashy podcasts and ate a tub of ice cream . It was great.
I thought about this on a deeper level this past week. When I was staring at the hurdles ahead of me in grade 9, was there anyone that would jump them for me? No. There wasn’t. Nobody was going to jump the hurdle for me as much as I would plead or pray in my mind. Nobody could learn the correct angle of knees to perfect the jump for me, nobody would be there to lift me over it and nobody could give me the feeling of accomplishment until I jumped it. I had to learn the hurdle, the obstacle or how to get through a struggle on my own. In this case it was how to deal with the fact that COVID was choosing our wedding date for us.
If I have any advice for you as a 2020 bride, it is to Expect Nothing, Accept Everything. Advice Tip #8.
Don’t expect love, accept your love story as it comes.
Don’t expect 5000 followers on your Instagram profile, accept and be grateful for the few that love your work presently.
Don’t expect a friend at your door with a Cosmo Magazine to make you feel better, but accept it with grace, love and happiness if it does happen.
Don’t expect a pandemic, accept that it happened and wait for the beautiful, sunny, no pandemic day that will happen eventually.
Don’t expect easy, accept the hurdle of many lessons to learn.
It is your choice to choose victim or adventure. Let the end of this, when it does end, be the beginning of something new. Speaking to the other 2020 brides here that had to postpone, you have another year to be engaged and look forward to your beautiful wedding. I know you wanted it now, but hopefully the planning is over so you have a year to relax and be excited about it! This is your present day hurdle, and you are conquering it – you are making it through grieving the loss of your 2020 wedding. It took me two months so take as long as you need. It is healthy and ok to grieve this. If you have more hurdles going forward, accept them and you will make it to the finish line as a mother f***in’ warrior. I swear for emphasis.
I look ahead today. I see the hurdles. I expect nothing and I accept everything.
