Part 3: Cake
Before I begin, please understand that this is a very raw topic for me and my only hope is that my experience can help you. With that said, it is by no means medical advice, and instead is a narrative of my lived experience. If you are struggling with body image in any form, please reach out to professionals.
Let’s dive in.
You are at a party. You are finishing that last bite of your cake. You knew this was going to be your last bite as it was planned meticulously. That little bit of Oreo crust… ice cream and cookie dough or maybe it was your creation of a sweet blend of black berries, vanilla sponge with that fluffy whipped cream. You already wished from the very start that this piece was cut bigger. You feel resentment towards the person that cut the cake as you think they cut it thin on purpose so that they got a bigger slice. Cake stealer.
You then ask yourself THAT question and you are about to make the MOST DIFFICULT decision of your day.
But… do I… do I have another piece?
Next, you go through the internal battle - who will win, you or the cake? You question yourself - what did I have for lunch today? A sandwich… ok so what was in that sandwich? The mayo was light mayo so I can have another piece of cake. But I had that half a cookie and a piece of cheese. Weight Watchers would say this is only 8 points. I have 8 points left in my budget. I am out of calories on Noom BUT if I did some sit-ups before bed I could increase my calorie intake for the day… blah blah blah. Let’s be real… I finished the second piece of cake during the debate.
This was me. I always ate the cake. I had this debate and lost at every party, every mid-day cracker and cheese, every evening Oreo. I didn’t notice I was the loser until November 2019.
It was the week before November and I was packing my suitcase for my Brit-chelorette. Clever right? Greta’s did well. I was trying on bikinis thinking I looked like Kim Kardashian. Butt’s are “in”, I would tell myself. I am at home and I have no woman to compare it to so I obviously think there is no problem with my Jenny from the block booty. I arrive in Mexico with 10 beautiful girls. Uh oh… why is my booty bigger than her booty? The comparison starts.
Before I get into the Great Depression – I want to be clear that I had a kicka$$ bachelorette. It was planned from day 1 to day 5 morning to night and I could not have asked for a more entertaining group of women. From pool parties, creative games, decor, costumes, mango shots at 2:00pm, luxury dinners and evening fires, there were so many incredible moments on this trip. So many that the girls won’t know about the mental struggle I went through until they read this blog.
I saw a different body in the mirror than the one you all see. Your struggle may be being underweight or another body image frustration. I believed I was overweight. Huge. The scale said I was overweight for my height and I trusted Sir Scale’s opinion more than my own husband-to-be. As the big one growing up with two sisters and a mom that looks like she just came from a Lululemon photo-shoot, I always struggled with my appearance. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am not ugly or anything but when you have sisters that look like mine… you question every inch of your body. Here I am with my sisters, my mom, friends that recently lost weight, and naturally thin girls on a beach. I am the big one again in this situation but instead of comparing myself to 3, now I am comparing myself to 10. One of my sisters asked me to take a photo with her standing in our bathing suits. I was screaming inside. No, I do not want to stand next to you on my own bachelorette trip and be reminded when I look at this photo that I didn’t lose the weight I planned to. I declined the photo. Obviously she couldn’t understand this since I was too embarrassed to explain. Day after day I lived in my head. I could not stop comparing myself, hating my body, hating that I always choose to eat the cake. I hid my thoughts with a smile for those 5 days.
When the plane landed back in Edmonton, I was not doing well mentally but I was trying to hide it from the 10 girls the best I could without bursting into tears. As soon as the door closed to my fiancé’s truck at the airport, I started crying. It was a pain cry. My stomach hurt, I felt sick and I just wanted to crawl into bed and not move. I stared at my body with so much hatred that night when I arrived home. My fiancé told me I was beautiful but it didn’t matter. How am I supposed to walk down the aisle with 100 girls around and feel beautiful if I feel like this around 10? I cried for 3 days. 3 DAYS I didn’t go to work. He couldn’t stop the crying. Nobody could. I hid from everyone for those 3 days.
The 3rd day home I started throwing up unexpectedly. At first, I thought it was because I was so upset that my body was just reacting. No, it wasn’t that. I caught a bug in Mexico. Beware of the salmon in Mexico. Advice tip #5.
I started losing weight rapidly from being so sick, but this was not the way I wanted to lose weight as I was very aware it would come back as soon as I was healthy. I simply knew I needed to make a change. I remember sitting at my mom’s house telling her I needed to change. I needed to change the way I thought of myself. I needed to treat my body better emotionally and physically. However, I didn’t make an actual plan until my phone rang later that week.
Greta called me. She asked me to meet for coffee to discuss the trip. She knew. She knew something was wrong. I cannot stress enough the importance of having someone to talk to when your mental health has taken a turn for the worst. At the time, I didn’t know how to talk about this. I didn’t want to embarrass myself or feel inferior to her. She told me that we are going to come up with a game plan together. Greta absolutely refused to let me sit in sorrow and feel bad for myself like I wanted to. She was so persistent that she made me tell her one thing I loved about myself every morning. She became my workout buddy as well. She alone still is my biggest motivation. I have now improved what I do to take care of my body, I meditate, I learned about different foods and their effects on your body and the weight loss has been the positive outcome in my case! Noom is a great app for this. Anyways, Greta taught me how to love who I am. Whether it is weight loss, gaining weight or simply accepting your image, please think about calling your Greta. Advice tip #6.
Do I sometimes have cake? I am pretty sure I had pie yesterday AND THAT IS OK. All in moderation! Recognize that this will never end and decisions towards food or anything for your body is a daily occurrence. Any decision made about appearance should be because you want to take care of your body, not because you MUST fit in that dress like I had once thought. Once you start telling yourself one thing a day that you love about yourself… the cake stays in the fridge. The cake stays in the pantry, the cake stays in the closet of things that are bad for your body and mind. You are too busy struttin’ to the bathroom mirror to tell yourself how amazing your legs look shaved. You are too busy dancing with a Swiffer to Demi Lovato’s “I Love Me”.
The simple reality: if it feels like it’s you versus the cake, chances are it’s really just you versus yourself. I learned to love the cellulite. Learn to love yourself.
